


ask for help (for what?)

by gundumbie



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Depressed Yamaguchi Tadashi, Depression, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Yamaguchi Tadashi, Minor Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi, Open to Interpretation, Panic Attacks, Sad Ending, Sad Yamaguchi Tadashi, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Yamaguchi Tadashi-centric, mental illness luv, once again im asking u to read my rant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-16 12:56:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28831566
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gundumbie/pseuds/gundumbie
Summary: Every day, Yamaguchi gets up. Every day, Tsukki knocks at the front door and they walk to school together. Every day, he sits through class after class, then fumbles his way through volleyball practice. Every day, he goes home, sometimes alone and sometimes with Tsukki, to collapse on the bed and stare at the ceiling.He's fucking tired of all of it.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei & Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 81





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> PLEASE READ TAGS!!!!  
> SUICIDE HOTLINES: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Fhanatruly%2Fstatus%2F888152663874912256&psig=AOvVaw3TjiTlT1H5pwtEbdObsGx4&ust=1611050631120000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA0QjhxqFwoTCKjMsbidpe4CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD

Yamaguchi is so tired.

Every day, he gets up. Every day, Tsukki knocks at the front door and they walk to school together. Every day, he sits through class after class, then fumbles his way through volleyball practice. Every day, he goes home, sometimes alone and sometimes with Tsukki, to collapse on the bed and stare at the ceiling.

He's tired of it all. It's so gray, all the same. No matter how hard he tries to focus on how bright the sun is, or how loud the songbirds are, or how tightly Tsukki clutches his hand, the pain in his chest reminds him that it's not real. He'll wake up the next morning to go through the same thing, recycled and turned over.

Yamaguchi just wants to sleep. He sleeps as much as he can. It usually isn't all that much, because his brain gets so fired up at night and  _ god  _ he just wants to feel something, anything so badly that he stays up on his phone searching for things to make him laugh. And when he sleeps, he doesn't want to wake up, because his brain is quiet. And there are no missed serves, no disappointed parents.

Just black. The absence of thought.

A lack of worry, a lack of the emotionless pang that's been in his chest for longer than he can remember. Yamaguchi falls asleep in class, and more often than not has to borrow notes from Tsukki to not end up failing. He just doesn't want to be sad anymore.

He shows up to class. He shows up to practice. He does his homework. And it's killing him.

_ How much longer? _ Yamaguchi drags his feet to the gymnasium, letting his tired eyes stare at the same walls as yesterday.  _ How much longer will I deal with the same shit? _

He lets the silence fester between him and Tsukki, something much more common these days. Yamaguchi doesn't care to talk, because there's nothing to talk about. 

"Thanks, Tsukki," Yamaguchi whispers as his friend holds the door open for him. Tsukki nods, and Yamaguchi steps through, hand clutching the strap of his bag.

"Yamaguchi!" Someone shouts.  _ Coach Ukai,  _ he notes. The man has a firm expression on his face, while Takeda cowers beside him. Yamaguchi waves off Tsukki and walks over to the teachers, a muted anxiety building up inside of him.

"Come here, kid," Ukai mutters, walking to the far corner of the gym. Yamaguchi follows silently.  _ Throw yourself out the window. _

He lets out a barely audible sigh, raising his head to meet Ukai's gaze. "What's wrong, Coach?" He asks, tone falling flat. His voice shrieks against his own ears.

"Listen, Yamaguchi," Ukai starts. He looks hesitant, unusually cautious. "How're you feeling lately?" 

Yamaguchi stares. "A little tired, but fine." He's so, so tired. More than can be put into words. It seeps into his bones, makes him care less and less about his dropping grades and failing volleyball performance. Maybe everyone will stop caring about him, and he can leave.

Ukai nods. "Well, can you wear some shorts today, then? I'm concerned you're too hot during practice and wearing yourself out." Yamaguchi stares.  _ There's no way.  _ His ribs throb.

"I don't feel comfortable with that," he says. At least, he thinks he says it- everything is echoing, too loud, underwater. He just wants to sleep.

"Hey, hey, kid, that's okay. Fuck, you're good- Tsukkishima!" Yamaguchi is too tired to breathe. His lungs hurt.

Someone grabs him by the shoulders. Yamaguchi wants them to grab harder, to fold him in on himself and watch him crumble. "In for four, hold for four, out for four," they say. Yamaguchi does it. It hurts.

He gasps in, feeling the air grate against his lungs. He just wants to stop being so goddamn  _ tired _ .

___

Tsukkishima takes him home. Yamaguchi had a panic attack.

The scars on his thighs burn as he turns over in bed, head spinning with the events of the day. No one else had been in the gym when it happened, but their coach would probably tell them. For the sake of the team, right?

He does know for sure that Yamaguchi has hurt himself now. Probably for attention. And now he's going to be kicked off the team.

Maybe Yamaguchi should just leave, so they don't have to exert the effort.

He blinks.  _ Why does that sound so right?  _ In that moment, he's sure of it. He hasn't seen it before then, somehow, but everyone hates him. It's obvious.

They'd love it if he just… stopped waking up.

No one would even notice he was gone until morning.

That thought makes him sob. The fact that people won't notice until they see his body, that they won't care enough to check on him until they're too late. Tears are streaming down his face, the painful emotion missing from the past few weeks striking him in his ribcage. Yamaguchi stumbles out of bed to his bathroom, vision muddled.

He reaches for the side of the bath, grabbing at a familiar spot.

It stings in his hands. 

He barely thinks before yanking his sleeves down, pressing it against his wrist. It's nauseating. He hopes it works.


	2. new day, new night

He wakes up.

Numb, chest tingling, wrist buzzing. He's more exhausted than ever, head spinning and the ceiling of the bathroom spiraling. He stands from the bathroom floor, head pounding at the banging knocks at the door.

"One second!" He pushes out, staring at the little bit of blood on the floor. Frantic, he grabs a wad of toilet paper and cleans it, tossing it into the trash. He fumbles for his hoodie sleeve and pulls it over the cut, hissing in pain. He pushes at the doorknob, letting the door open.

His sister pushes past him without another word, just an exasperated huff.

Yamaguchi takes a second. Everything feels too much. He stumbles over to the wall and slumps against it, allowing his shoulders to relax. His wrist is pulsating harshly, throbbing against the tight fabric pressing against it.

He's still alive.

With wide eyes, Yamaguchi unlocks his phone and stares at the time there. He has ten minutes before school starts, and multiple texts from Tsukki. He stares, blinks a couple of times.

Jetlagged still, he stumbles to his room, vision folding at the edges. Yamaguchi grabs his backpack where he'd set it down the previous night and slings it over his shoulder, tripping over himself on his way to the living room.

He throws open the front door. "Sorry, Tsukki," he whispers. Tsukishima looks at him with an indiscernible expression, but Yamagichi is pretty sure it's disappointment. Either that, or his brain is twisting it into something demented and unreal.

Probably the second one.

Yamaguchi walks behind Tsukishima today, too tired to keep pace. He sighs to himself, staring at the back of his friend's head.  _ How long would he have waited there if I hadn't woken up?  _ It's kind of a scary thought, and for some reason it makes him want to cry.

So he does. Gurgling sobs build up in his throat, and before he can stop them, Tsukishima has lashed his head around to look at him.

Yamaguchi lets out more ugly cries. He's always been on the unattractive side of the spectrum of criers, which makes it that much worse that he's doing it in front of Tsukki.  _ God, I'm such an idiot. An idiotfuckupmoronwasteofspacestupid- _

Something is placed over his ears. Yamaguchi sucks in a couple fragile breaths, clutching at the fabric of his sleeves. Music comes flooding into his ears- Hatsune Miku. Yamaguchi laughs wetly into his palms, listening to Miku shriek out her lyrics. 

Tsukishima grabs his hand, and Yamaguchi is lead to the edge of the sidewalk. They sit down together. Yamaguchi is still hiccuping on his breaths, and he takes a few deep ones in.

Finally, he regains control. He readjusts Tsukki's headphones so that one of his ears is out, and looks up at his friend. Tsukki is looking out into the street, fiddling with his hands.

There's a long silence.

"I tried to kill myself," Yamaguchi blurts out. He bites his lip. It just seemed right to say, but it was probably too big of a bomb to drop on someone like that.

Tsukki, however, knows him, and only lets himself feel a few moments of shock, before responding, "How?"

Yamaguchi closes his eyes. He's really glad Tsukki didn't ask why. He doesn't  _ know  _ why. "Um, cutting." He doesn't let himself look at Tsukishima's expression.

"Okay," Tsukki says, "let's skip school. Do you need bandages?" Yamaguchi finally lets. himself open his eyes.

Tsukishima is looking at him carefully, but not with anger or sadness. "Yeah," Yamaguchi says, "yeah, I do." 

Together, they walk off to Tsukishima's house, to patch him up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ily all

**Author's Note:**

> SUICIDE HOTLINES: https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Ftwitter.com%2Fhanatruly%2Fstatus%2F888152663874912256&psig=AOvVaw3TjiTlT1H5pwtEbdObsGx4&ust=1611050631120000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CA0QjhxqFwoTCKjMsbidpe4CFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD
> 
> it's not worth it, really. there's a plant that you can water tomorrow, a raindrop to hit your skin, sunlight to bounce off your eyes. you change so much just by being there. please dont let nature lose a part of it. you can dm me on twitter @lesbolix.  
> i wrote this a while ago skhgdkhgk it's short and stupid but sometimes u just need more content of ur comfort characters being depressed. i wrote the end line today bc positivity slaps and im trying to get better. ily all!!


End file.
